Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
You Might Also Like
i want to work in this restaurant
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
when you order from DoorDastardly
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
john wicks are toilet candles
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
They got a point!
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]