can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
You Might Also Like
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Self-cleaning conscience
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week