Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*

~ guys with ponytails

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

family: we’re having ground turkey this year

me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”