Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

Current mood: Potato

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down