Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.