Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over

It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night

I see your IQ test came back negative

Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.

*after sex, in a British accent

“Please sir, may I have some more?”

Oh, I bet you would be

Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best