Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
You Might Also Like
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.