Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

Hit me in the face with a bird

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

Good morning

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.