Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

“Living well is the best revenge.”

Alexa, what is the second best revenge?

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.