Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What fresh Hell is this?!?

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

[breakfast table]

Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.

“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

Time estimates:

“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”