Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

Dear scientists,

We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then