Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call

long lost

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.