God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
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CRONUS: Yes- I’ll have the bucket of popcorn children
Intercom: *crackling* Popcorn chicken, sir?
CRONUS: omg what did I say
Biden: So here’s the plan, I’ll tackle him and you go in for the knockout
Obama: Joe please.
Biden: too far? Okay what about-
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
[at a bar]
ME: I’m gonna ask that girl out.
FRIEND: Okay, but don’t be weird.
SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don’t say anything stupid.
Spotify has a new playlist called ‘Screams’. After 5 minutes you recognize the screams as yours. After 30 you realize you never pressed play
Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.
What I don’t understand is, how did Jabba the Hutt become so powerful? He’s just a fat, lecherous crook.