“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
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Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.