Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?

Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now