Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
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I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
bags with threatening auras
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.