Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
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If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
lmao😭🤣
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.