“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
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*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
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[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*