-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
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me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*