-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
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“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I get it laundry no one is doing me either
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
*limbos away from your hug*
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.