-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

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chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman


“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it’s yours”

– Inventors of boomerangs


WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*


*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.


My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff


Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.


A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators


It’s October: For everyone’s safety, keep your blonde haired children away from all corn mazes. Do not let them congregate.


Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.


*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*