-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?

-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.

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Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”


“All black people are Aiwa, and all jews are Technics.” “Those are just stereo types.”


WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats


Me: Excuse me, where are your nails that twist?

Worker: You mean screws?

Me: I don’t know, I’m not a nail scientist.



Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.


*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?


[Health fair]

“Would you like a free diabetes cookbook?”

Me [leaning in close]: Why would I ever want to cook diabetes?


My moods don’t just swing – they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.


Her: What are your passions?

Him: Meditating and gourmet food & drinks.

Narrator: Which was code for sleeping, Cheez-its?, and Capri Suns.


You ever see your kid looking so dirty at school and don’t wanna pick him up? I just drove pass mine now like, ‘Hell no, that is not my kid’