-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
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Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
pep talk
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”