Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
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“All black people are Aiwa, and all jews are Technics.” “Those are just stereo types.”
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Me: Excuse me, where are your nails that twist?
Worker: You mean screws?
Me: I don’t know, I’m not a nail scientist.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
“Would you like a free diabetes cookbook?”
Me [leaning in close]: Why would I ever want to cook diabetes?
My moods don’t just swing – they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate and occasionally pirouette.
Her: What are your passions?
Him: Meditating and gourmet food & drinks.
Narrator: Which was code for sleeping, Cheez-its?, and Capri Suns.
You ever see your kid looking so dirty at school and don’t wanna pick him up? I just drove pass mine now like, ‘Hell no, that is not my kid’