Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!

clean window: [exists]

toddlers: what’s that taste like

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

Straight people are cancelled

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons