“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
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It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Not today, today.
Not today.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Sorry not sorry.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger