Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

ME: being single again is great

FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner

ME: alfredo sauce

FRIEND: on?

ME: … a plate

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign