Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
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I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
They’re called werewolves.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
If you had more money you’d be happier.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”