Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lucky for them, they’re cute

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

Deadpool was Green Lantern

Batman was Daredevil

Captain America was Human Torch

And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”