Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
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Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
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dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb