Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
You Might Also Like
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”