Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
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Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.