Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
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Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
それは草
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”