Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

Gas station lines at 2 am:

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”