“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
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Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
🧠
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
