“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
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9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.