“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
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All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit