“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
You Might Also Like
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Howl 😭
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.