Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

This kid is going places

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

[At my funeral]

Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.

Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.

anyone else like Italian cereal

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”

Kong’s very sensitive.

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.