Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

Co-worker: Why are you crying are you sad??
Me: I’m crying cause I want to punch you in the face but can’t

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

Your honor, I refer you to the precedent setting landmark case of Smelt It vs Dealt It.

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!