Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.

even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.