“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
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Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Meow
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!