Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.

Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something

This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?

Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand

5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?

Me: haha not quite

5yo: *just glares at his little brother*

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!