Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

i actually laughed 😩

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

“Why did u jump off that bridge?”

My friend did it too

“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”

Yes. I literally just said that