Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

Legend 🤣🤣

The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.

Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

me at the job i begged god for

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.