“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
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*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Pigeon open mic night.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits