“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
❤️❤️❤️
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it