@DrakeGatsby

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

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@Playing_Dad

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

@huntigula

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

@ch000ch

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

@Cultdays

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

@robfee

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

@AngelaEhh

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

@rachj0919

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

@PresTightrhymes

*Pikachu dies*

Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.

*ghostbusters arrive*

@gogglepossum

[Alien monster is levelling Toronto]

CANADAMAN: Excuse me, sir, SIR, could you stop please? SIR?