If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
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“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
[Alien monster is levelling Toronto]
CANADAMAN: Excuse me, sir, SIR, could you stop please? SIR?