Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

Saying “3 twins” is wild.

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?