“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
You Might Also Like
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*