Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???

My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other

I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.