Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

[ Blind date ]

Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.

Her: ummmm

Me: whatcha thinking?

Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

This a good idea

Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.

HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.