Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?

I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

*inventing the mirror*

“People don’t have enough to worry about.”

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems

My love language is hissing.

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

[What I think he saw]

Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.

[What he actually saw]

Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.