Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.