“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
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[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.