Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.

Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted

Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

Please do it!

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.