Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?

Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad

Match dot com, but for socks.

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.