Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
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Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits