Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
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Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not