Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
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Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”