Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

Perfection.

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

nothing saves money like being antisocial

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.

Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.

I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.