Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
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Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do