Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
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No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Uh oh 👀
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers