Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

Google search history:

Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.