Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
You Might Also Like
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps