Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments

😭😭😭

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon