Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

when someone rings the doorbell

I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.

But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.

Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.