Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.

My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.

Me: How so?

Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?

Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.

Producer: Get out.

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.