Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
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6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!