Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
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i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim