Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
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Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
✌🏽
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Taco Bell, Exit 22
