Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.

Thuggalations: 17:28

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

I love twitter

My heart 😭

“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”

THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤

Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.

A HERO

KNOW HER NAME!

I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy

*viking dad at a funeral*

I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this