Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
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acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.