Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime

*herpes

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs

do you know what they all have in common?????????

eggos

they eat all my eggos

Every time

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

Meth is short for Elizameth.

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.