Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

*tries to be less adorable*

*fails*

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.