Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
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Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
If snakes were wide
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
San Francisco has too many rules
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.