Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
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let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.